On Inadequacy.

I have a hard time with my inadequacy. I think of it as this scary masked face that comes out to taunt me when I’m alone with my thoughts and feeling vulnerable. It mockingly asks me questions like, “why do you feel worthy?” and, “don’t you know that no one cares what you have to say?” It’s a task to reconcile why anyone would willingly choose to read my thoughts. I’ve gone from being closed off to an open book in a matter of weeks. It’s terrifying, exhilarating, and quite frankly, a little embarrassing. To pour my heart and soul out to you-  a friend, acquaintance, or complete stranger, makes me feel a little raw and uneasy. I don’t view myself as being anymore intellectual, experienced, or worthy than a single damn person on this earth. I am, however, a lover of connection. I yearn to maybe write something that speaks to you or tell you something that you need to be reminded of. More than anything, I want you to know that I’m here. That I, just like you, have experienced skinny love, heart break, and countless disappointments. I’ve had the up-all-nights where: something has gone so terribly wrong that I don't know what to physically do with my body, if pillows had ears they’d be deaf from all the screams they've cushioned, and there’s a private ocean in my mind of all the tears I’ve cried.

In elementary school boys laughed at my body, the person I thought liked me was actually having girls write fake 'love notes' for him, and a teacher yelled at me for sticking up for my friend. By middle school I started giving up bits and pieces of myself because when you’re all wrapped up in puberty and braces it’s easier to try and fit in than to stand out. In high school I didn’t make the cheerleading squad when all of my friends did, my voice wasn’t deemed ‘fit’ enough to be part of the traveling choir, and I made some bad choices that caused a temporary but painful falling out between me and my best friend. Freshman year of college I was robbed of countless friendships because I’d consistently forgo things like mixers and fraternity parties as I was trying to make a long distance relationship work. By sophomore year I was at a new school where I didn’t really fit in. Junior, Senior, and one year post-grad I was grasping so hard at that same relationship that my wrists grew sore and my true heart's desires became unrecognizable.

I won’t sit here and pretend like I’ve experienced any real hardships besides those that come with the awkward territory of growing up. I was born in America, the land of the free, to both a mother and a father. Through the years I’ve had some killer friends that have always remained constants. I also have two sisters that think the world of me. What I’m getting at is this: somewhere along the way I lost who I was because I was too scared to be the authentic version of myself. I was fearful of what people might think of me if the security blanket of my carefully constructed façade were to be ripped out of my grasp. The more of myself I gave up, the less I recognized the person looking back at me in the mirror. It got to the point where I wouldn't even make eye contact with my own reflection. I wasn’t happy and I didn’t feel good enough so I numbed myself with things of convenience like alcohol, guys, anger, and indifference. They say most people won’t change until it’s too painful not to. That was the case here. I don’t know when exactly the train back to my own heart picked me up but it did, and it’s moving at lightening speed- straight ahead- no looking back. The world needed me in my truest form, just like it needs you. The people who are meant to stay in my and your life will be able to keep up and those who aren’t will fall behind. It’s not an ‘I’m better than you’ mentality; it's: ‘I’m finally doing me, so would you please either hold my hand or get out of the way?’

Main Takeaways:


You are not your past mistakes, fears, or rejections.
You are your dreams, desires, and affections.

No one is as worthy of playing the lead role in your life as you are.
You are brilliant beyond comparison in your own way.
You bring something to the table that not a single other soul on this planet ever could.

xo.