On You.

I once thought that in order to move on from you I had to portray you as this monster inside of my head; to convince myself that it was right to walk away it was necessary to imagine you as this dark life-sucking force that didn’t care about me. I tried tirelessly to victimize myself- building up a scenario in my mind where I was the good guy and you the bad. I brooded in this made-up story and almost fooled myself into believing it was real.

I didn’t talk to you and barely spoke of you because the pain caused by the release of everything I’d vainly tried to hang onto was too fresh and palpable.

Then I saw your face months after we ended it. I opened the door and there you were- gently swinging on my front porch swing, hands in your pockets, smiling softly. You looked at me the way you have since the day we met- unguarded and without pretense- a look most people don’t get from you.  

We caught up and talked about life and somewhere along the way I realized that what we share between us will always remain the same; the only thing that’s changed is that we’re no longer labeled ‘boyfriend’ and 'girlfriend.’ We’ve started to grow up and are finally strong and smart enough to admit that no matter how hard you try to make something work sometimes it just doesn’t. We know that neither one of us is a bad person or doesn’t care; that it just is what it is. We’re at different life stages with different perceptions and views on things like relationships and love.  

I don’t want to fault you for not being ready to take the next step like I was- a step I tried to force on you. It was unfair of me to try to speed up your life just to fit into the unsolicited plans of my own.  

I don’t want to pretend like I don’t love you anymore. I always will, even if it’s not as a girlfriend, wife, or mother to your future children. Even if it’s just as a friend who warmly smiles at, tightly embraces, and forever cherishes you.

I don’t want to view all the negativity between us as baggage anymore. I want to celebrate that even throughout all of the lows we’ve experienced we still remain in awe of what we mean to each other.

I want to light a fire to the notion that getting over someone means you have to completely erase them from your life. More often than not that idea is an impossibility we fool ourselves into believing only to be crushed when we can’t pull it off.

Everyone has their own way of getting through tough times, and while I refuse to let people walk all over me, I never want to be the kind of person who coldly turns my back on people because my only coping mechanism is that of weak and unmerited delusions.

More than anything I want to view you as exactly who you are, stripped of my own perception of the person I wanted you to be. You are not a bad guy or a monster, you’re simply you.

"For true love is inexhaustible; the more you give, the more you have. And if you go to draw at the true fountainhead, the more water you draw, the more abundant is its flow."

-Antoine De Saint-Exupery