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So many times we imagine a person's lack of love for us to be a result of our own personal failure(s) when in truth it's a consequence of their own incapacity to love themselves.

Slow to Release

I realized how long I’d been holding on, and that my discomfort stemmed from my heart being ready to let go long before my head caught up to what that looked or felt like. Because all of these things I was absorbed by, they weren’t necessarily all bad. But the old songs, pictures, feelings, and beliefs, they no longer suited me, yet I continued to live life according to their rigid terms; as if they were holding a gun to my skull. That was the day I chose to walk away; to discover, learn, and grow; free of pretense and shame, old habits and routines. Untethered to the fear that I’m not worthy of the life my heart’s boldly been pulling me towards every night as I lie awake; its restlessness making me uneasy to the point of insomnia. The force of nature that had outgrown the dusty life I was offering it was stirring within me, demanding more, always more. That was the day I gave the burden of my past, both good and bad, to God, and walked with him hand in hand into this thing called living.

Just Because.

I stopped telling myself that life was mine for the taking.

I became burdened by the crushing blow of life, and it became impossible to recognize the positive in anything.

Self-love was replaced by self-loathing.

Gratitude replaced by self-doubt.

And my general zeal for all things good and true started eroding bit by bit into a parasitic worm of fear.

I told myself that life had nothing more to offer me than my daily routine of struggling to fall asleep and wake up, zombie-ing my way through work, and prescribing myself to dull evenings of monotony.

Occasions like dinner with friends and family seemed like a chore; just another thing to add to my laundry list of things exhausting my life source.

I was, and still kind of am, strung out.

I didn’t and still don’t quite know how I got to this point.

I think a big chunk of the answer lies in my frustration of the inability to fully comprehend what the answer to that question might be.

I like answers.


I overindulge in my ability to analyze the shit out of myself.


So when I can't do just that, when I'm at a loss for why exactly I feel so aggravated by life, it's hard for me.


But it's made me realize a few things:


No one is meant to fully answer a question like that about themselves.

-No matter how far you've come, you'll never have everything figured out at any given point in time.

-We are fluid creatures, ever-changing and evolving, never meant to adhere to a rule book.
-And no matter how strong trials and tribulations make you, you still won’t have the strength to face all of life’s hurdles at once.
-Being able to financially support yourself doesn’t mean you don’t need emotional support.

-No amount of self-help articles will help you if you're not willing to put in the effort of helping yourself. 
-There's no quick fix for learning how to love and be good to yourself.

Everyone loves to recite the definition of insanity- doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

 It dawned on me the other day that lately I’ve acted truly insane.

I’m so sick of self-loathing, doubt, and fear acting as the controlling factors of my life.

I’m ready for love, gratitude, and truth to take the stage again.

All of life is a cycle. Today I’m vowing to rinse all of the grime that’s built up, reinvent and refocus my perspective and purpose, and repeat.

When’s the right time to let a person go?

 

“Maybe when you feel more in love your memories than with the person standing in front of you”

 

I have trouble letting go.

It’s partly because I’m quick to forgive and forget. I don’t walk around weighed down by peoples’ past transgressions towards me.

It’s also because, in a way, I indulge in quiet suffering. Conquering my own ill feelings towards a person is a game I play with myself. I don’t do it for the person; I do it because I enjoy seeing how much I can tolerate and overcome.

Sometimes however it’s absolutely necessary to let go; and I think the above quote sums up perfectly when that time is.

It’s different for everyone, and it’s a choice each must make in his/her own time.

Everyone has their own limits and pressure points.

People break and learn to release in their own way.

Ultimately though, it’s important to teach yourself the discipline of letting go of what no longer serves you.

We look for past things not where they are, but where we'd imagine them to be-

                             dusty corners / behind doors / the bottom of the sea.

Lost forever but never forgotten is the only way we perceive. 


But really they've left too,


on a pursuit to follow you.




You, in that present moment, weren't the sun on which their survival relied,


you were merely a passerby,


experiencing an instance in your sacred life.




These old things that you're missing, they're all surrounding you-


You find them unbeknownst in

faces / trains / rain drops / a stormy sky turned blue.

If things all around trigger memories of past happenstance,


then time is not a linear line


but an ebb and flow type dance.



Nothing is ever dusty, lost, or used-


but in quite the contrary a perpetual state of being constantly made new.

You Can't.




You can't skim the surface, always scraping by with the bare minimum, and expect to feel fulfilled.

You can't manifest grand, time-consuming ideas overnight.

Big things happen bit by bit, in sequential steps, in their own due time.

You can't see a big thing in your mind and expedite it into fruition.

It's frustrating.

It's overwhelming.

You throw in the towel.

You choke.

All of these meaningful ideas that ramble inside your head on a continuous wheel as if they're mocking you...

Only to dissipate when you start to reach for them.

What's wrong with starting small...

With doing something for you, something that you're truly proud of and can call your own?

Plant your seed and water it.

Watch it come to life.

Day by day, what you invest in will grow.

Don't surrender the big ideas inside of you to the nagging voice that tells you you're not good enough or capable of achievement.

Failing is just as much a triumph.

Failing means you gave something you care about a shot.

You can succeed.

You can fail.

But you can't sit stagnant, paralyzed by fear; it's not the way you're wired.

What If.









Every breath drawn

Every sigh released

Every moment wasted

Every opportunity seized

Every tear shed

Every laugh that put the melancholy to rest

Every crack that broke your heart

And the fire that filled it back in

All led you to the start

So you'd know the pleasure of beginning again.